Ever since I discovered the way certain humans were treated in the world, when I was about 4, I started wondering what was wrong with people. What was this world I had landed on? I had spent my two first years in Cameroon, Africa, and suddenly I was told many children starve, and die of terrible illnesses…on the continent I saw as my first home, where my parents were born. What?? It made no sense to me that people were just talking about it without doing anything. The rage and grief, mixed with a sense of powerlessness were causing so much guilt in me that I didn’t have the capacity to hold it. And so, early on, I numbed it out.
The pain would come back regularly throughout my life of course, each time I was learning a new sad truth about the injustices of the world. But seeing nobody was moving, and feeling like I couldn’t change anything from where I was either, I gave up.
I felt so powerless and trapped in guilt that I decided to stop feeling. Little did I know I was actually cutting myself from my greatest power.
When it became too strong, and numbing wasn’t possible anymore, I experienced all of the pain almost all at once: my personal, and the collective pain. That started about 4 years ago. As a hypersensitive it has been intense. There is so much pain to feel that I have had to learn to practice safely feeling every single day all the muck that there is. The human mind will find thousands of excuses not to feel the pain (including convincing you that you don’t want to live), because there’s a deeply engrained belief in the collective that “it’s not good to experience pain”.
The thing is, my power and bliss are always on the other side of feeling my pain. Safely. With fascination. As a witness that doesn’t judge. Not by resisting it as I experience it. But by consciously choosing to leap into the possibility that this is just a sensation my body is feeling but it can’t actually hurt who I truly Am (We Are so much more than our bodies).
So when I think I don’t want to feel my pain I’m actually cutting myself from the sparkling gift I think I will only get by not feeling it. (Option to read that again)
Feeling any kind of pain through the eyes of fascination is the greatest alchemy any human can experience. It’s what we call a quantum leap. It’s so freeing to know that it cannot rule us. By feeling it, that is the message we send out vibrationally: you have no power over me, pain, so yes I will experience you. That is true freedom. And the paradox is that is when it disappears…
I can’t begin to imagine the level of rage and frustration people of colour must have built up for so many generations, every single day of every year of every lifetime, generation after generation.
In America and around the world really, I feel for the black people and any minority who still have to go through this violence daily.
What do I do with that rage? What do I do with that sadness? Unlike what we’ve been taught, blaming and shaming (including ourselves) only perpetuates the phenomenon. It only creates more of what we don’t want, and will never be the answer.
If anything has ever evolved for the better, it was always only in spite of blame and shame. Never thanks to it. And believe me I know them well, my mind is very used to going there first, it is so understandable.
The only thing we can do and actually the only thing that will give us what we truly want: the power to change things, is to feel our pain safely, after having learned how to do so. And then, only then, once the pain is processed, to take inspired action. Talk, march, inform ourselves, vote, sign petitions, fund organizations, invent things, create art that will inspire change, etc. From a place of knowing. A place of rootedness. A place of Love. The only place you won’t burn yourself out, really.
There’s nothing wrong with pain. It is just the sign that things need to change. And things do need to change. We all need to rebuild a New Earth from the ground up. But first, we need to destroy. Burn down. Turn to ashes.
This rage is the sacred fire that will do so.
Let this rage be.
Let this rage be.
Let this rage be.
In truth, it is New Earth that will find us, and not the other way round. She is simply waiting for us to up-level. By doing much less of the doing and much more of the being: being present to our feelings.
Everyone has their own reasons for having fear. Let this rage burn down the need to hold on to those reasons. They are old stories we do not need anymore.
Let’s burn them, and rise.